Fits of Boredom
by Eternal Smasher
Summary: Oneshots and short series' make their way here. Anytime I write a Smash Bros. fic out of boredom, you can find it here. Ratings may vary, but that's the main one.
1. The Balloon

When a balloon pops, the balloon becomes dead. Useless. However, the air fades and remains in existence. This doesn't work with most other things. However…

That has absolutely nothing to do with this story.

3:24 p.m. Smash Mansion Living Room

Young Link: (holding a filled string-less yellow balloon) Check it out.

Smashers: …

Young Link: Balloon.

Smashers: …

Ness: …Wanna play?

Young Link: (throws balloon at Ness) Of course.

Ness: (hits balloon back at Y. Link, hitting balloon back and forth)

Smashers: …

Bowser: …Whatever.

Popo: I want to play too! (joins in)

Nana: (following)

Mario: They must have nothing better to do…like me. My turn! (joins)

Luigi: If you're going, I am too! (joins)

Ganondorf: This is really pathetic.

Falco: Yeah, I know. (joins)

Ganondorf: Hey!

Fox: Can't let him go alone. (joins)

Bowser: (sighs)

Peach: (joins)

Yoshi: (joins)

Kirby: (joins)

Pikachu: (joins)

Pichu: (joins)

Jigglypuff: (joins)

Link: What's so fun about hitting a balloon around?

Samus: Let's see… (joins)

Link: (shrugs, joins)

Zelda: Pointless. But I guess it's better than nothing. (joins)

Bowser: (groaning)

Marth: Want to go too?

Roy: (joins)

Marth: (joins)

Bowser: Oh, come on!

C. Falcon: What Zelda said. (joins)

DK: (joins)

Dr. Mario: (joins)

Mr. Game & Watch: (joins)

Mewtwo: I am beginning to get tired of this.

Bowser: Me too.

Mewtwo: I meant the boredom. (joins)

Bowser: …

Ganondorf: …

Bowser: (thinking) Don't do it…

Ganondorf: It…couldn't hurt I guess. (joins)

Bowser: Damn. I'm the last one… (observes others playing) Oh…this is so stupid! (groaning) Fine… (joins, hits balloon, balloon pops)

All: …

Mario: Thanks a lot…

All: (groaning, complaining, scattering)

Bowser: (still standing there) …Okay…that wasn't fair. Ahh, screw it. (walks away)

_The end. Yep. That's it. If you want update information, be sure to read my profile. It will ease your pain. Especially you, Master Disaster, wherever you is...are._


	2. The Sandwich

_More randomness for you._

4:47 p.m. Kitchen

Ness, Y. Link, C. Falcon, Mario, Fox, Kirby, and Yoshi were getting ready to eat lunch. Mario was getting the ingredients out the refrigerator. Mostly lunch meat, because mostly everyone wanted sandwiches. Eventually, he spotted a pre-made, double decker sandwich filled with ham, roast beef, cheese, turkey, mayo, a little bit of mustard, and white bread.

Mario: (drooling)

Mario had to keep this a secret from the others.

Fox: Hey Mario, pass the ketchup, will ya?

Mario: (dreamily) Hm?

Fox: Ketchup…the red stuff…

Mario: (normal) Oh, right! Here. (tosses ketchup bottle at Fox)

Fox: (catches ketchup…sorry about that)

Mario: I'll be back.

Mario sidestepped out of the room, making sure to hide the beautiful sandwich from unworthy eyes. He sidestepped right into Zelda.

Zelda: Be careful.

Mario: Sorry, Princess. (tries to leave)

Zelda: What is that?

Mario: My…sandwich.

Zelda: Why are you hiding it?

Mario: UNWORTHY!

Zelda: …

Mario: …(runs away)

Zelda: (shrugs, walks off)

Mario went in the courtyard, hoping to eat his beautiful, glorious sandwich in peace. He was about to take a bite from the heavenly, superb-you get it. Suddenly…

(insert Matrix-like slow motion here)

Yoshi busted through the kitchen window, turned sideways, and tried to grab the sandwich with his tongue. Mario back flipped to narrowly dodge it. As he back flipped, he saw Kirby behind him, trying to inhale his sandwich. Mario somersaulted again and stepped on Kirby.

(Matrix-like slow motion end)

Mario: (running upstairs) You're not worthy! Stay back!

Mario ran to his room. Only to find Yoshi laying in his bed.

Mario: That's just cheating.

Yoshi: Yeah…(jumps toward Mario)

Mario: (slams door on Yoshi's head) I know! I'll eat on the go! (running around the mansion like a maniac, stepping on various people, eating sandwich)

36 seconds later

Mario: Almost done. (about to take last bite, runs directly into Bowser's punch) Ouch.

Bowser: It took me _weeks_ to make this unbelievably awesome sandwich!

Mario: (on the floor)…

Bowser: …(stomps on Mario) Asshole. (walks off)

Kirby: (out of nowhere) No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crying)

Mario: (straining) It was…too late for…lunch anyway…(faints)

Kirby: (still crying, gets stomped by Bowser)

The End


	3. The Pieing

_Corn!_

Fenrir Hellfire- _Don't you mean "get bored soon"? Well, I'm bored! Great news for you!_

Master Disaster- _Yep. That was the awesomest sandwich. That I probably wouldn't eat._

Lacto3.1415- _It's so beautiful…(sniffle)_

Joeb- _It is weird. And you keep on learning to spell._

_It begins…_

2:24 p.m. Smash Mansion Living Room

Ness: What the hell is your problem?

All: …

Yoshi: What are you talking about?

Ness: I don't know.

Yoshi: …

Kirby: Stop being a moron.

C. Falcon: (standing with arms behind back) Hey, Ness.

Ness: What?

C. Falcon: I got a present.

Ness: (sniffs) That smells pretty good…

C. Falcon: THE PIEING! (throws pie in Ness's face)

Ness: (screaming loudly, running around) It burns! IT BURNS!

Samus: Did you let the pie get cold first?

C. Falcon: …

Peach: Is that _my_ pie?

C. Falcon: …

Ness: (still screaming and running around)

Peach: (holding frying pan)

C. Falcon: …(scoffs) Women…they don't know how to have fu- (gets hit in the face with frying pan, knocked out)

Ness: (still screaming and running around)

Luigi: Should we help-

All: He'll live.

Ness: (passes out)

All: …(leaves room, Ness, and C. Falcon)

The doctor is in…

The Doctor's Office

Marth: Hey, Doctor.

Dr. Mario: (watching a softcore porno movie)

Marth: That one again, Doc?

Dr. Mario: (turns around in office chair) It's cool…it helps me relax…what do you want?

Marth: Ness passed out.

Dr. Mario: Again?

Marth: Yeah, he screamed a lot cause he got hit with a hot pie.

Dr. Mario: (eating pizza)

Marth: Oh. And Falcon was hit in the face with a frying pan…for the 32nd and a half time. He's knocked out too.

Dr. Mario: (still eating pizza)

Marth: …Hello?

Dr. Mario: (with mouth full) I don't care right now.

Marth: You're not doing your job.

Dr. Mario: I'm on my lunch break.

Marth: You're on your lunch break? The one that's been going on for 2 weeks?

Dr. Mario: That's the one. (sips cola)

Marth: …Can I have some of your-

Dr. Mario: Back up.

Marth: …(throws sword at television, television explodes)

Dr. Mario: Alright, alright…(grabs 2 capsules from under the desk) I'll get on it.

Marth: Do you know what you picked up?

Dr. Mario: Um, excuse me? The last time I checked, the only one with a Dr. in their title was me. Don't tell me how to do my job, Non-doctor Man.

Marth: Whatever. Just get them off the floor.

(thump)

Bowser: (from downstairs) Ow! Who put this kid here?

Marth/Dr. Mario: …

There can be only one!

Sometime later…

C. Falcon: (in Yoshi's room) I am the Pielander! I must defeat the evil ninjas with my Super Pie of Destruction! Surrender to your general!

Yoshi: …Nothing you said…made any sense.

C. Falcon: Silence, fool! (throws pie at Yoshi)

Yoshi: (swallows pie, turns it into an egg)

C. Falcon: …You have not defeated…THE PIELAND- (gets hit by the same egg) Ow…you're too powerful…I'll be back…(jumps off the balcony in front of Yoshi's door, screams, lands flat on his face, lying still)

Yoshi: (dying from laughter)

Marth/Dr. Mario: (on the couch behind where Falcon had fallen)

Marth: Didn't I tell you to check what you gave him?

Dr. Mario: Yes…but I didn't necessarily listen.

Marth: You're a jerk.

Dr. Mario: To the laughing gas! (runs away)

Marth: …(turns T.V. on)

Bowser: (trips over Falcon) Dammit!

The Pielander will strike once more! Until then…do something exciting like shoot a pigeon! Or better yet, shoot your mom! Come on, you know you were thinking about it...

_Forgive me for that…_


	4. Game Show 1

_Totally bored. Hooray!_

_No review responses! Cause bleh!_

Game Show #1: Not-Really-Family Feud

CH: I forgot what I was gonna say!

All: (silent)

CH: …WHERE ARE THE CONTESTANTS?

Pikachu: We're over-

CH: Shut up and introduce yourselves!

Pikachu: …Okay…I'm Pikachu.

Kirby: Kirby!

Pichu: Pichu!

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff.

Yoshi: (asleep)

CH: You're the Creatures!

The 4: Yeah!

CH: I DON"T CARE!

Kirby: You just said-

CH: YOU 5! Who are you?

Samus: Samus.

Mario: It's-a me!

C. Falcon: Falcon.

Link: Link.

Mr. Game & Watch: Ah, I don't feel like saying it.

CH: You're the Humans!

Milk-Chan: You dumbass! (gets plucked out of the studio)

CH: Let's begin!

Audience: (half cheers)

CH: Top 6 questions on the board! Or something like that! (laughs maniacally)

All: …

CH: Samus! Kirby! Get your asses up here and play!

5 seconds later

CH: Name something your mom wouldn't want you to do as a kid. Now!

Kirby: (presses buzzer) Stay out after dark!

CH: Survey says: 3rd! You get 17 points! Now your whole team can play!

Kirby: (runs back to his group)

Pichu: Eat junk food! (eating cookies)

CH: Where'd you get those?

Pichu: Sidewalk.

CH: …Survey says: 2nd! You get 9 points!

All: …

Jigg: You can't count…

CH: SHUT UP! Somebody else! Now!

Jigg: (sighs) Wear wrinkled clothes…

CH: Survey says: 6th! You get 1.245222222222221 points!

Pikachu: (shaking head) Wow…

CH: Someone else!

Kirby: Um…die?

CH: Survey says: 25th! You lose!

All: …Huh?

CH: The Number 1 answer was Die!

Kirby: I just said-

CH: SHUT UP! The Humans get all your points cause you're all GAY!

Yoshi: (wakes up quickly) Huh? Who told you that?

CH: Next round, bitches! Yoshi! Game & Whatever! Let's play!

5 seconds later

CH: Name a food that most people are allergic to!

G&W: (buzzes) Seafood.

CH: Survey says: Hey! Where'd the (expletive) survey go? DAMMIT! (growls)

The Next Day

CH: 1st! You win! SHUT UP!

Audience: (one guy clapping and cheering)

CH: Well then! COMMERCIAL!

Camera Dude: Dude, we don't have any sponsors.

CH: WHY NOT?

Camera Dude: That's your fault. You killed them all because you thought they were assassins.

CH: Thanks! (crushes Camera Dude) LUNCH BREAK!

(go eat something)

CH: We're back!

Audience: (gone)

CH: Final round! What was that called again?

Mario: Who's watching this?

CH: The grand prize is 78 big ol' cents!

All: …

CH: And a nice cold apple pie!

All: (agreeing)

CH: Samus, you go first!

10 seconds later

CH: 20 seconds on the clock. Now…name a book every person should own.

Samus: Dictionary.

CH: Name a popular cereal.

Samus: Trix.

CH: Name something every fighter should have.

Samus: Speed.

CH: Gimme some chips.

Samus: I don't have-

CH: Why?

Samus: Is the clock still going?

CH: Let's see how you did!

Samus: (frustrated sigh)

CH: For the 1st one you said…dictionary. Survey said: 77!

Pichu: (crying for no known reason)

CH: For the 2nd one you said…Trix. Survey said: .5!

Link: Half a person?

CH: SHUT UP! For the one after that you said…something…damn! I forgot! Next!

Samus: (speechless)

15 seconds later

CH: Falcon, ready?

Falcon: Y-

CH: I don't care! 25 seconds! Name a book everyone should own!

Falcon: Cookbook.

CH: Name a popular cereal!

Falcon: Frosted Flakes.

CH: Name something every fighter should have.

Falcon: Strength.

CH: Rub my feet.

Falcon: …

CH: ANSWER ME!

Falcon: You don't have-

CH: Let's see how you did!

.8 seconds later

CH: You had 0 for everything cause you're wearing SPANDEX!

Falcon: (gets hit with a pie and 78 pennies)

CH: GO HOME! (flies through the roof)

(lights cut off)

Falcon: …Ow!

Pichu: (still crying)

The Rest: (walk off)

_Responses! Cause blah!_

Lacto3.1415- _I was half-hyper when I wrote this. Yay!_

Master Disaster- _I know it might get me in trouble! So…I scared you! Accomplishment? I'll just say maybe!_

joebthegreat- _YAY! Yay 4eva!_

razzkat- _I thought so too! I am good! Yay! Cupcake! Sprinkles! Yay!_

_Bye!_


	5. Game Show 2

_Well…I'm friggin' bored! Enjoy my product of that thing!_

Game Show #2: Circle of Luckinessness

Audience: Circle…of…Luckinessness!

Voice: Ness. (blow landing)

Announcer: Idiot. Uh…how'd this go again? Screw it. Here are your hosts, Link and Peach.

Audience: (cheering)

Mario: WHAT?

Link: Welcome to…wait, it's up there…

Peach: (waving)

Mario: (crying)

Link: Let's meet the contestants. After a little warm-up. The category is "Animal". 7 letters. (letters start appearing)

(ding!)

Link: Falco.

Falco: You spelled "wallaby" wrong.

Link: Huh?

Falco: You have one L. And 6 letters.

Link: …Damn. Ah, give him the G.

Falco: (counter goes to 1,000)

Peach: (unenthusiastic clapping)

Audience: …

(victory fanfare)

Audience: …(cough)

Link: Yay. _Now_ let's meet the contestants. This is Marth. I hear you don't speak English.

Marth: I was forced.

Link: Really? Suck it up. You might win something. (under breath) Psych.

Marth: …DIE!

Link: Get him.

Peach: (kicks Marth in the balls)

Marth: (groaning in pain on the floor)

Audience: Oooh…(laughing)

Mario: (hysterical laughter)

Audience: (ceasing laughter)

(bonk!)

Mario: (knocked out)

Link: Thanks. Now…uh…the category is "Thing". 2 words. 1st word: 4 letters. 2nd word: 5. Spin-

Yoshi: Hey! You didn't introduce me!

Link: Spin the wheel, Yoshi.

Yoshi: OK! (spins wheel, lands on 700) L!

Link: No L!

Yoshi: Sh(beep).

Link: Marth, spin.

Marth: (twirling)

Link: …The _wheel_, you (beep)in' genius.

Marth: Oh. (spins wheel, lands on Bankrupt) Oh, what the hell?

Link: Yay! (clears throat) Uh, Falco, spin.

Falco: (spins, lands on 900) F. (under breath) You.

Link: 1st letter.

Peach: (presses glowing panel)

Link: Go agai-

Falco: Solving.

Link: Damn. Fine. Stay broke.

Falco: Fire truck. Can I leave n-

(victory fanfare)

Audience: (clapping lightly)

Falco: (grumbling)

Link: No, you can't. Too bad!

Peach: (still clapping) Yay! (gets hit by an egg)

Link: The next category is…what?

Sound Guy: Uh…"On The Map"?

Link: For real? Huh.

Falco: (sighs)

Link: (throws bomb at Falco)

Falco: (Reflector)

Link: (dodges bomb) I keep forgetting about that.

Sound Guy: Ow! What the (beep)!

Falco: (chuckles)

Link: 1st word: 6 letters. 2nd word: 6. Marth, spin.

Marth: (spins wheel)

Link: Lose turn.

Marth: (spins again)

Link: Hey! You- (throws bomb at Marth)

Marth: (Counters bomb)

Link: Get out.

Marth: Aw. (walks away sadly)

Link: (knocks Marth out with Boomerang) Falco.

Falco: (spins wheel)

Link: 650.

Falco: S.

Link: 3rd, 8th, and last. Yoshi.

Yoshi: (spins wheel)

Link: 800.

Yoshi: Z!

Link: …You're not…thinking…are you?

Yoshi: No…

Link: Falco.

Falco: Easter Islands. Link, you're a dick. I'm leaving. (walks away)

Link: Oh, come on-

Peach: Yay! (clapping)

(victory fanfare)

Yoshi: Is the game over?

MH: (out of nowhere) Duh! (grabs Yoshi's head, flies away)

Yoshi: (muffled screaming)

Audience: (chattering and leaving)

Mario: (picks up Peach) Get away from him! HEATHEN! (runs away)

(lights go out)

Link: …

Sound Guy: I'm not getting paid, right?

Link: …(gets hit by a microphone)…(walks away)

(victory fanfare)

…_I only got two more game shows left…_


	6. Game Show 3

_Next game show! With spice!_

Game Show #…uh…3: Who Wants A Whole Lotta Freakin' Money?

Master Hand: Welcome all! The title of our show is up there.

Crazy Hand: I'm your host-

MH: Hey! Get the (beep) outta my studio! You're scaring the audience!

CH: (flies away)

MH: _I'm_ your host, Master Hand.

Audience: Yay…

MH: (grumbling) These are the contestants waiting to get into the hot seat…or the cool seat…it depends on how smart Mario, Fox, Samus, Pichu, the Ice Climbers, Zelda, Pikachu, Ness, and Yoshi are!

Samus: Doesn't matter.

MH: Shut up. We're doing this 2 at a time. The one with the faster time gets the cool seat; 2nd fastest…well, you know. Let's go.

Pichu: Go where?

MH: Shut up. Put these people in the order of their strength, starting with the weakest.

A. SpongeBob  
B. Pichu  
C. Me  
D. CH

5 seconds later

MH: The order was BADC, of course.

Pichu: (crying)

MH: Looks like Popo and Samus are up. Popo gets the cool seat.

Popo: NO! I want-

MH: WHO CARES? GET IN THE SEAT!

Popo: (sits quickly)

MH: So, tell us a little about yourself.

Popo: Nana, you'll wait for me, right?

Nana: I'll wait forever for you!

Popo: Oh, Nana…

MH: You lose $100 for that.

Popo: Oh…

Samus: Let's just play.

MH: First question for $100. What is the capital of Chicago?

A. Albany  
B. Quack  
C. Moo  
D. Illinois

Popo: A!

MH: Wrong. And you didn't press the buzzer, dumbass.

Samus: (presses buzzer) None of these.

MH: (under breath) Bitch. (out loud) $200. Which animal makes a honking sound?

A. Duck  
B. Sheep  
C. Chicken  
D. Goose

Popo: (presses buzzer) B! (gets hit by a spotted egg) Ow!

Samus: (presses buzzer) Can I use the bathroom?

MH: You both lose! You know what? I'm gonna switch the game, cause you people suck! (gets hit by a spotted egg) Who threw that?

Yoshi: Don't switch!

MH: What makes you the boss around here? (gets hit by another egg) Ow. Fine, if it'll shut you up. Put these levels in order of size, starting with the smallest.

A. Corneria  
B. Pokemon Stadium  
C. Green Greens  
D. Hyrule Temple

5 seconds later

MH: Which loser won? The order was BCAD. The winner: Ness. The other winner: Mario. Yay…

Audience: (half-hearted clapping)

Mario: (sits in hot seat, yelps, runs in circles)

Audience: …

MH: …

CH: …

MH: (looks at CH) What the (beep)?

CH: …Oh. (Hands begin wrestling)

20 mins later

MH: Sorry for that little quarrel.

(fires, screaming, sirens, and destruction)

Contestants: …Uh…

MH: What?

Ness: We still playing or what?

MH: Yeah. Gimme a sec.

1 sec later

Audience: (in completely restored studio, cheering)

MH: Okay, contestants, let's get this over with.

Mario: (puts phone books on chair, sits) Better.

MH: Now for $100. What is paper made out of?

A. Trees  
B. Oceans  
C. Clouds  
D. My ass

Ness: You have an ass?

MH: There are lots of things you don't know about me. Now answer the damn question.

Mario: (buzzer) A.

MH: $200.

Mario: Am I right?

MH: $200.

Mario: Am I right?

Ness: (sighs)

MH: _$200._

Mario: I'm right, right?

MH: Yes, jackass! $200! Which of these people has _never_ had sex?

A. Pichu  
B. Mr. Game & Watch  
C. Fox  
D. Yoshi

Mario: …

Ness: That's a tough one…

Mario: (buzzer) D! (gets hit by a spotted egg)

MH: No.

Ness: …A?

MH: …$600.

(record scratch)

All (except MH): Mr. Game & Watch got busy?

Mr. Game & Watch: (out of nowhere) Yep!

All (except MH): With who?

Mr. GW: It's a secret!

All (except MH): BOO!

Mr. GW: (gets hit by paper balls and a chair) Ow…

MH: Like I said, $600. Is platinum richer than gold?

A. Yes  
B. Prob'ly  
C. No  
D. What's platinum?

Mario: D!

MH: Dial D for dumbass!

Ness: A!

MH: Answer this question right and we go to the 2nd round. For $2000, what is 2(3+4-8)-3(9/3)? 

A. 11  
B. –11  
C. –10  
D. 0

Mario: (counting fingers)

Ness: B.

MH: Now…for the 2nd round! Finally!

2nd round!

MH: We're gonna start at $5000, and slowly work our way up to $100,000. The questions will make the ones with brains think…so Ness, good luck.

Ness: Thank y-

MH: Shut up, it's on the prompter.

Mario: …Hey!

MH: For $5000…this is not multiple-choice. What goes up…and doesn't come down.

Mario: Satellites!

MH: No…no. Ness?

Ness: Your age.

MH: For $10,000…how many items have eyes?

A. 4  
B. 5  
C. 6  
D. 7

Mario: D!

MH: Was that a guess?

Mario: Maybe.

MH: …$30,000. True or false: water is naturally a bad conductor of electricity.

Ness: True.

MH: For $50,000-

Voice: Hold it!

All: Huh?

Nabeshin: Hey, man. I thought this was a comedy.

MH: Get the (beep) outta my studio? And who told you that?

Nabeshin: (points at CH)

CH: (chuckles, then laughs maniacally)

MH: (frustrated sigh)

Zelda: Who are you and what do you want?

Nabeshin: I'm bringin' the bang back to this boring game!

Various Dude: Your alliteration sucks!

Nabeshin: (gets hit by a boot) …Ow…

(boom!)

All: What the-

(diabolical laughter)

Mechanical Voice: (from outside hole in wall) Puny mortals…and Hands…prepare to-

Hands: We'll take care of this. (fly out hole)

(blows landing)

Voice: Ow! That hurt!

(fire blazing)

Voice: Stop it!

(electricity crackling)

Voice: STOP KILLING ME!

(puppy barking)

All 3: Aw…

(cow mooing)

All: …

(game ending)

Audience: (leaving, complaining)

…


	7. Game Show 4

_The last game show…then I go back to non-retyped nonsense._

Game Show #4: Just A Jeopardy Rip-off!

Announcer: This…is…Just A Jeopardy Rip-off! And now, here are the contestants. A redhead from some place they speak another language, Roy!

Roy: (raises blazing sword) I was forced to speak English. Now they DIE!

Announcer: Get him.

Guard: (shocks Roy with a 100,000 volt taser)

Roy: (shrieking in pain)

Announcer: A beautiful princess from the Mushroom Kingdom, whom I know personally, Peach!

Mario: (from somewhere in the audience) WHAT?

Peach: (waving)

Announcer: And a misunderstood bounty hunter/pilot whose past is a mystery, Captain Falcon!

Falcon: Who am I...?

Announcer: Here is the host of JAJR, Crazy Hand!

CH: Thanks, announcer guy I'm forced to pay. Okay, let's start this thing!

Peach: Already?

CH: No, later. Yeah bitch, already!

(series of beeps and boops)

CH: Okay, 5 questions for each of the following categories: Game Shows, I Like That Move, Grab Bag, Oh, Duh, and Math Problems. Okay-

Peach: Stop saying okay!

CH: …Well, you _were_ gonna go first, but now, Falcon will.

Peach: Aw.

Falcon: Aren't there supposed to be 6 categories? (dodges a laser)

CH: Shut up and go! I'll fix that thing later!

Falcon: …Grab Bag for 200.

CH: The meaning of biannual.

Peach: (buzzer) Every two years!

Announcer: WHOOOOOO! That's my girl!

CH: WRONG! What _is_ every two years! Retard.

Peach: (about to cry)

Falcon: We could've answered that one. (dodges another laser) Stop that.

CH: Somebody go.

Roy: Uh, Grab Bag for- (gets shocked by Guard again, screams out in pain)

Guard: …Oh. Sorry.

Falcon: Oh, Duh! for 400.

CH: The number after 1.

Peach (doorbell) What is 2? Duh.

CH: Duh.

Peach: I just said-

CH: Duh.

Peach: …Same one for 1,000.

CH: The thing with the letters in it.

All: …

Various Dude: HUH?

CH: …

Falcon: Damn.

(boop boop boop)

CH: You guys suck…What is a _word_? Hello?

All: Oh, duh!

CH: Friggin' idiots. Somebody go.

Peach: Grab Bag for 600.

CH: The only metal that's a liquid at normal room temperature.

All: …

Peach: (tick tick)

(boom!)

Peach: (charred black, blinks twice)

Nelson: Ha ha! (gets plucked out of the studio)

(boop boop boop)

CH: What is Mercury? Now…uh…go get the replacement counter.

(distant boom)

Distant Voice: Ow!

CH: Peach can't play anymore!

All: (cheering loudly)

Peach: (crying, gets slammed through the floor by CH)

CH: SHUT UP!

All: (silent)

Announcer: (crying) No, Peach…come back…

Roy: Grab Bag for 400.

CH: This ribbon can be used as a weapon.

Roy: (fanfare) What- (fanfare) What is- (short fanfare) …(one trumpet) What is a bow?

CH: _Ja._

Roy: Huh?

CH: _Ja!_

Roy/Falcon: HUH?

CH: Yes! Go!

Roy: (drinks water) Ahh.

CH: Now pick another-

Roy: (pouring another glass)

CH: Hey!

Roy: (counter decreases to -5000) Okay, I'll stop!

CH: That's not me.

Roy: Stop lying! (counter goes to -0) …There's no such…(groans)

CH: Damn 99 cent counters…Just go.

Roy: Duh for 800.

CH: Where you live.

Falcon: (fart) What is a home?

CH: Yep.

Falcon: (counter changes to 1800.-94.9) …I quit. (walks away)

CH: …Okay, since Roy stayed the longest, he wins the grand prize! A one-way trip to Antarctica!

Roy: Cool! Wait. (gets stuffed into a large box) Oh, crap.

CH: (throws box to the South Pole) …Why isn't anybody clapping?

Audience: (gone)

Mario: (choking announcer to death)

CH: …

Nelson: (covered in Band-aids) Ha ha!

CH: …Bitches. (flies away)

Announcer: (still choking) Wait! I want my money!

Mario: Shut up.

Nelson: …I need a life. (gets shocked by Guard)

Guard: I gotta learn to cut down on that.

Nelson: (twitching on the floor)

_No more games!_


	8. Return of The Pielander

_Boredom fails to go away. Which is the reason this crap exists. Yay, crap!_

Faster than a flaming Pichu…

More dangerous than a PMSing Chain Chomp…

Sexier than Kirby…

The return of…THE PIELANDER!

"Can you shut up?"

Roy stared at Captain Falcon staring at himself. He was holding another one of Peach's pies, and his reign had yet to cease. The Pielander had returned.

"Silence, non-pie wielding mortal!"

"Did you say 'sexier than Kirby'?"

Roy was pelted in the face by a hot blackberry pie. He writhed on the floor, screaming in extreme pain.

"The Pielander strikes, bitches! Who next wants to feel my wrath of Peach's pies?"

"Falcon! Stop stealing my pies!" Peach yelled from the kitchen downstairs.

"They're for the sake of JUSTICE! Justice is better than you!"

"Did Dr. Mario say how long that medicine lasts?"

"HEY! MY FACE IS GETTING SCALDED DOWN HERE!"

Falcon kicked Roy in the balls. Roy fainted…probably. It may have been something else.

"I must feed the world more of my wrath…"

Falcon ran to his room and punched open his closet. Whole rows of piping hot pastries rested on shelves in front of his eyes. He grabbed a pumpkin pie and rushed to the kitchen.

"This is a holdup! The Pielander has-"

"Shut your dumb ass up!" Bowser roared shortly before getting hit in the face with a hot pie. Which didn't burn.

"I have found a worthy adversary."

Bowser stood up and threw a toaster at Falcon's head. It hit, but nothing happened.

"Toasters do not pies make! You should've hit me with an oven when you got the chan-"

Falcon passed out. He was left there, as was Roy in the bathroom.

3 hours later

The Pielander sprang up. Pichu had been poking him with a dirty stick for the past half hour.

"You dare touch THE PIELANDER?"

"What did the Doc _give_ you?"

Falcon threw Pichu into the oven, which had been preheated to 375 degrees.

"I could save lives with these great powers of mine. But I need a wagon to carry my PIES OF JUSTICE!"

Pichu crawled out of the oven and stared at Falcon.

"PIES…OF…JUSTICE!"

Pichu picked up a nearby silenced pistol.

"Dramatic repetition! PIES…OF…J-"

Falcon was shot in the head.

The doctor is in!

Doctor's Office

Dr. Mario: I told you, I don't care.

Marth: He hurt everyone in the mansion. Including you.

Dr. Mario: Doctors are eternal. Didn't you know that?

Marth: …

Dr. Mario: …

Marth: …You're not suggesting we kill the Pielan-I mean, Falcon…are you?

Dr. Mario: It may be the only way…(takes out Megavitamin) we may not be able to deliver this to him in-

Marth: Yoink! (snatches Megavitamin, slices through the floor)

Dr. Mario: Yeah, maybe we can.

In the Kitchen

Falcon was still on the floor. He was shot by a very tiny beanbag, right between the eyes. He was dazed, but he was still the Pielander.

Marth slapped him out of his daze.

"I'm off to save the world from the evil things!"

"It's okay. Just take this pill, and-"

"No! You…fiend! That pill will kill me, and you know it! The Pielander…must live. Live. Live. Live."

"That echo effect was horrible."

"I'm still working on it-PIELANDER, AWAY!"

Falcon ran away, found a wagon, grabbed 30 of his 60 pies, and ran through a wall somewhere. Yes, he's on something.

Marth sighed. "Now I have to follow this moron…"

Bonus!

Peach: Hey Zelda!

Zelda: What is it, Peach?

Peach: My hero's better than yours!

Zelda: …

Peach: (smiling)

Zelda: …

(explosion)

Peach: (gone)

Zelda: (smiling)

Link: (walks in) Yeah. _That_ was pure comedy. "My hero's…" Right.

Mario: (walks in, sees Peach's smithereens, dies)

Link/Zelda: (laughing cheerfully)

Falcon: The PIEING! (hits Zelda in the face with a hot cherry pie)

Zelda: (writhing on the floor, screaming in terrible agony)

Link: (laughing cheerfully)

Next time on Dragonball-um, The Pielander…

"An old lady needs help crossing the street, you say?"

The mailbox didn't respond.

"The street will pay for this treachery. DIE!" Falcon ran into the street shouting a hysteric war cry. He threw a piping hot apple pie into the street.

"JUSTICE BELONGS TO THE PIELAN-"

Falcon was hit by a motorcycle.

_The Pielander will return again, cause he's the Pielander. Till then…go eat some pie._


	9. Fall of The Pielander

_In my fit of non-updateablity-ness…I got bored. So. Damn. How long did this take?_

"By the power of pastries…!"

Falcon-um, The Pielander stood on top of an apartment building, posing heroically and, of course, holding a pie.

"JUSTICE will be SERVED!"

"Hey! Shut up up there!"

"And it will be served _hot_."

The Pielander jumped onto a fire escape, holding his wagon in one arm. He threw the wagon off the escape and pied the man that yelled at him 5 seconds earlier. Then he jumped off the escape and onto the sidewalk. The wagon sustained no damage (though it crushed a squirrel), and neither did our "hero".

"Where's the crime…? Ah-ha!"

A 5-year-old girl across the street dropped a gum wrapper on the floor. She was with her mom, and they were walking to the store.

"LITTERER! Be brought to JUSTICE!"

The girl tugged her mother's dress. "Is that loud man talking to us?"

"I sure hope not…" The mother blinked. The Pielander was all up in the girl's grill.

"You see that?" He pointed to the wrapper. The girl nodded meekly. "That's not the way of JUSTICE! You must be punished with a pie! Of JUSTICE!"

"Yay!" the girl shouted. She loved pie, as does everyone. The mother was still suspicious. And for good reason.

When he threw the hot, banana cream pie in that little girl's face, she shrieked a bloodcurdling, reverberating shriek…and died from scalding. The mom cried and ran into the street…and died from being hit by a school bus.

"Justice has been served once more!" Falcon triumphantly declared, aided by an explosion in the background (the school bus).

* * *

Meanwhile…

"All I have to do is follow the trail of filling and bodies, and I should be fine."

Marth finally found his trail. The explosion in the distance also helped.

* * *

Back to the Pielander…

"An old lady needs help crossing the street, you say?"

The mailbox didn't respond.

"The street will pay for this treachery. DIE!" Falcon ran into the street shouting a hysteric war cry. He threw a piping hot apple pie into the street.

"JUSTICE BELONGS TO THE PIELAN-"

Falcon was hit by a motorcycle. The motorcyclist laid on top of Falcon after a brief tumble.

"DUDE! Didn't you see me driving? What are you, a (beep)ing lunatic?"

The motorcycle went through the window of a cop car. Falcon quickly stood up. He could hear the sirens.

"I should sue your dumb ass!" the motorcyclist said, trying to stand up.

"I MUST ESCAPE! To the PIE WAGON!"

The Pielander grabbed his wagon, ran a short distance, and jumped in the front. About 17 police cars were pursuing him. Luckily, they were going downhill.

"These fiends are interrupting the flow of JUSTICE! They must all pay!"

Falcon picked up 2 of his pies. He threw them at the windshields of 2 cars. They crashed into each other.

Falcon grabbed the bumper of a convertible to gain speed. The driver, thinking the police was after him, had already punched it. Now the police had 2 people to chase: 1 for speeding and 1 for murder. Falcon jumped in the back of the car, then picked up his pie wagon and placed it by his side.

"Hey! Those guys after you or me?" the driver asked.

"Both of us! They're interfering with my servings of JUSTICE!" Falcon yelled, throwing another pie at a policeman who stuck his head out the window to shoot the two. He died, of course.

"Well, if you keep doing that, I think we have a chance!"

"INDECENT EXPOSURE!"

Falcon pointed to a woman wearing a bikini, about to get a ride to the beach. She was pied and suffered second-degree burns.

The driver decided to keep his mouth shut.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Marth was sitting on the curb, timing the chase's arrival to his block.

"3…2…1…"

The convertible turned the corner, with the remaining police cars following suit. Marth jumped on top of one of them and, using Falchion, turned it into a convertible. The two officers inside almost fired, but he was way too close with that sword.

"Drive. I can get him back to normal."

"Whatever you say."

The car sped up. The Pielander could see Marth in the distance.

"NO! My arch-rival has come to strip me of my powers! Drive faster so JUSTICE can be preserved!"

Marth jumped from police car to police car, approaching him. Falcon threw a bevy of pies at him in desperation. Out of the 32 pies thrown, only 2 even got close to hitting Marth, and he slashed through those. The rest hit innocent bystanders, a couple of birds, and the remaining policemen that were chasing the two.

"Sweet! We escaped! Where to, partner?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Falcon yelled in slow-motion while Marth leaped towards him. The slow-motion lasted 30 seconds, after which Marth pounced on Falcon and tried to force-feed his medicine.

"Swallow the pill! It'll all be over if you swallow…the…" Marth tried to move Falcon's arms out the way, but his shape was far better than his.

"Never! The world is nothing without my servings of pie-based JUSTICE!"

The driver went to a drive-thru restaurant.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice…"

Marth grabbed one of Falcon's pies and threw it at him. It burned. While Falcon was screaming, Marth tossed the Megavitamin into his gullet and closed his mouth for him.

"Yo, sword dude, you want anything?"

"No thank you." Marth picked up Falcon and left the convertible.

"Hey, you just jacked my partner! Ah, well. Free pie."

Back at the Mansion…

"Seriously? I did all that?" Falcon asked, sitting on the couch in the living room. He was talking to all the victims of his little rampage.

"Yeah! We almost died!" Roy said.

"Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson here…" Dr. Mario mused.

"…Okay, what? What did we learn?" Marth asked.

"Falcon plus crazy equals death to the world."

"Got that right!" Falcon said. Everyone that was there laughed. Falcon punched Dr. Mario in the stomach. Everyone laughed more.

"Now _that_ is pure comedy," Link said.

Dr. Mario passed out.

"Who wants dessert?" asked Zelda, walking into the room. "We still have some pie left."

"NO," everyone that was still conscious said. Zelda turned around and quickly left.

_The Pielander is dormant, and peace reigns…for now._


	10. Smash Variety Program

_Warning: this chapter contains a questionable amount of crappy. People with fully functioning brains are strongly advised not to stare directly at this chapter for extended periods of time. Side effects include discomfort, dissatisfaction, uncontrollable and severe depression, retardation, cancer (who knows where), and murderous intent._

_With that said, enjoy._

Welcome to the Smash Variety Program, SVP, only available here! Not over there! Not up there! Right here!

On this lovely new show, we show you funny Smash skits so you can benefit from laughing at them. Laughter's good for you, so we're a non-profit organization. But if you don't laugh, we'll break your legs, take all your money, and, if applicable, eat all your children.

Sorry! That's business for you! While we get a setup and a host or two, here's some skits to get you started.

Skit 0: Soaring Pain

Fox, Roy, Falcon, and Ness are watching television and eating chips out of a huge bag which is passed at random intervals.

TV: Welcome back to "Nintendo Warrior".

Ness: There's something so engaging about watching "celebrities" test their "strength" in something like this.

Falcon: We could do that easy. Well, I could.

TV: So far, only one person has managed to make it past the 1st stage: Princess Daisy, with an impressive 16 seconds on the clock. Everyone else has fallen victim to the near-impossible challenges presented.

Fox: I should sign up. I mean, if Daisy can do it...come on.

Roy: (eats a handful of chips)

Falcon: I mean, really, I'm solid as a rock. Punch me in my chest. Go ahead.

Fox: I'll gladly do it.

Fox punched Falcon in his chest as hard as he could. Falcon found himself crouching.

Falcon: What the? (stands) That's not supposed to happen.

Roy: Catch. (tosses bag at Falcon)

Falcon was hit in the head and jumped back a few feet.

Falcon: This is freaky.

Fox: Well, I think I know where these physics came from.

Roy: (jumps 6 feet into the air) This can only be good.

Over the next couple of minutes, the entire population of the mansion began to make use of these newfound physics.

Luigi: (on the roof) Death to velocity! (jumps off, slowly falls to the ground)

Marth: (with Link, against his bedroom wall) Watch this. (takes out sword, slashes through the wall)

Nana: (in bed, gets slashed by a sword through a wall, lands on her back) What the slash?

Jigglypuff: (above the living room, repeatedly punching air) I can fly! For real!

Falco: (repeatedly shooting Pikachu) Are you sure this will work?

Pikachu: Without a doubt! Just a few more!

Fox: This'll be interesting.

Pikachu: Okay, stop. Fox, do your worst!

Fox: Um, you asked for it. So... (walks up to Pikachu, does a backflip with one leg extended, knocks Pikachu straight up at an insane speed)

Pikachu: (breaks through the ceiling, voice becoming fainter and fainter) Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Fox: An hour.

Falco: I'm gonna go with half an hour.

(doorbell)

Falcon: (running to the door) I got it. (opens the door)

Mailman: Hi, Mr. Falcon. I have your mai-

Falcon: Falcon...

Mailman: What are you-

Falcon: PAUUUUUUUUNCH! (you know what happened)

Mailman: (30 feet away, on the floor, laughing) Ow!

Zelda: That was just mean.

Falcon: What was that, Zelda? You want a Falcon Punch too?

Zelda: ...(walks away)

* * *

Well then, looks like we have a setup. And a host. And a co-host. Here it is.

Yoshi: (sitting on a stool in front of a red curtain) Apparently I'm the host.

Samus: (also sitting on a stool in front of said curtain) And I'm the...wait, are you sure?

Yoshi: No.

Samus: Screw it. Host away.

Yoshi: Our next skit is what happens when people...uh...what exactly is the next skit?

Samus: (shrugs)

Yoshi: What's our next skit?

(shrugs)

Yoshi: Fine, just check this out, then.

* * *

(insert unbearably long silence here)

* * *

Yoshi: Awesome.

Samus: I could be wrong...no, scratch that, you could be an idiot, but isn't the curtain supposed to open when a _real_ skit is on?

Yoshi: Is it really?

What do I look like, the producer?

Yoshi: You don't look like anything. You're a voice. A very unhelpful voice.

Samus: Okay, I'll BS this one. What happens when three completely different people have to cooperate to take out the trash? Find out.

The curtain begins to open.

Yoshi: How'd you do that?

Samus: Magic. Shut up.

* * *

Skit 1: Taking Out The Trash

Zelda: You 3 have to take out the trash.

Mr. Game & Watch: Why us?

Zelda: Everyone else is fighting. And if you don't, Master Hand will...do...something.

Jigglypuff: But-

Zelda: No excuses.

Ness: ...It's just-

Zelda: Do it.

Mr. GW: You do it.

Zelda: I did it yesterday. Bye. (teleports out of the room)

Pichu: Great. (staring at the incredibly large garbage bag) How? Any ideas?

Ness: Let's burn it.

Mr. GW: Right here?

Ness: (about to use PK Fire) Right now.

Pichu: No, we'll get in trouble!

Ness: Fine. What do you suggest we do?

Pichu: Drag it?

Mr. GW: But if we do that, all that guk will get on the floor. A nice streak, all the way to the door.

Pichu/Ness: (look at Mr. GW)

Mr. GW: ...Oh, me? Hire a nice strong stranger to do it for us.

Ness: Okay, but that's your money.

(after a couple of minutes)

Stranger: Youse guys wants me to takes out your garbage? Cause you're too weak?

All 3: (nod)

Stranger: It is a big bag. Why didn't youse guyses just use separate bags?

Ness: Beats the hell out of us!

Stranger: I'll need another guy.

(after several minutes)

Stranger 2: It's gon' cost y'all.

Mr. GW: (sighs) What?

Stranger: 300.

Stranger 2: And 2 other things we want. We choose.

Pichu: Suddenly, this seems wrong.

Mr. GW: Fine. Just do it.

(after several minutes)

Mr. GW: (paying the Stranger ) Here. Thanks.

Stranger 2: I got one of Mario's hats, and this spotted egg. Should be delicious.

* * *

Samus: That was the crappiest thing I've ever seen. How was that entertaining? What was the point?

Yoshi: I think they wanted to make this look better by comparison. Enjoy.

* * *

Skit 2: Jackass Style

Mario: It's-a me, Mario! And this... (holding a meatball) is the Spicy Meatball. (sets meatball on fire, chucks it at Bowser)

Bowser: Hey! (gets hit with another one) I'll (beep) kick your (beep) ass! (gets hit in the eye with another one, roaring in pain)

Mario Bros.: (laughing)

Falcon is using the bathroom, doing a number 2. All is well. Until the door gets kicked in.

Falcon: (screams like a girl)

Luigi: (runs in and dropkicks Falcon off the toilet)

Falcon: Luigi, you asshole!

Luigi: (runs out of the room)

* * *

Samus: Yeah, I'm going. (walking away) Have fun.

Yoshi: Can I go too?

Yes.

Yoshi: Really?

Yes. You'll probably die though.

Yoshi: ...Really?

Stay in the (beep)ing seat.

_...Sorry. _


End file.
